The other day, for the first time in ages, I checked out my Google Analytics stats. Not the page views, you understand - like my book sales figures, I really don’t want to start down that road, lest it turns me crazy.

No, rather I was curious what search terms people used to find BringingNothing.com. I find there’s no easier way to reassure yourself of the general bat-shit insanity of the vast majority of people who use the Internet.

And what did I find? Three broad categories of searches: people looking for stuff about me (terms like ‘Paul Carr’ and ‘Bringing Nothing To The Party’ - yawn); people looking for stuff I’ve written about, either on here or in the book (my favourite, by the way - and I’m sorry about this Anna - is the person searching for ‘anna melville james is a cunt.’ Anna is probably the least cunty person I know); and finally, the mentals.

How mental? Let’s take a look at my top ten Google search terms that have brought people to my digital front door, in reverse order…

10. facts about badgers (I’m on the second page of results for this one. God only knows how many young minds I’ve scarred)

9. alan partridge latin working in dixons (The phrase you were looking for, my little search friend, was ‘apropos’, and it was Curry’s not Dixon’s)

8. do it yourself togas (Who needs fucking instructions?)

7. free creature sex (Paying for it is so undignified)

6. a man dress up in a gorilla suit fucking a white girl video (Rejected Dairy Milk ad)

5. a metaphor for a shoe (…is no substitute for an actual shoe)

4. book characters who used flip flops (Is ‘used’ really the appropriate verb here?)

3. does anyone want to kiss jerry? (If that’s you Googling, Jerry, then I’m going to go ahead and say ‘no’)

2. don’t call me a whore im a unicorn (The Swiss army knife of sex horses)

And the undisputed winner…

1. cock in my shoe (What? Seriously, what? Although: title of my second album)

Actually, there’s one more that, while clearly well intentioned, actually made me laugh more than all of the others put together. Step forward and claim your prize, whoever searched for…

once you’re lucky twice you’re goo

…

(NB While looking for the image for the top of this post, I discovered that “the collective noun for unicorns is ‘a blessing‘”. What’s the collective noun for people who make up collective nouns for fictional creatures? A loon?)

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