“If you ever hear me claim that my job is difficult, please do me a favour. Punch me hard on the nose. Writing a weekly opinion column is the easiest job in the world that doesn’t involve marrying David Beckham or writing jokes for Marmaduke.

Unlike being an actual reporter – which demands tenacity, extensive fact checking and the ability to remain calm under pressure – my job generally requires just four abilities: 1) the ability to remember what day my deadline is; 2) the ability to set an alarm clock for noon that day; 3) the ability to correctly identify the most controversial technology story of the week; and 4) the ability to decide whose side to take. Actually, even that last one isn’t strictly necessary as I’m lucky enough to write for the Guardian. Really, I just have to figure out which side you’re on, dear reader, and then pick the opposite just to piss you off.

Or at least that’s how it usually works. This week things have gone horribly awry.”

This week’s column is online.