“We’ve all been there. You wake up in the morning after a night on the meth, and what’s that lying next to you? Another dead hooker! Nightmare, right? Not any more! Thanks to QikLimer’s GPS-enabled mapping tool, you can quickly and easily find your nearest patch of abandoned woodland, self-storage building or lake – with the option to flag your burial spot to avoid doubling-up in future.

And of course there’s a social element – share your favourite spots with other murderers, swap tips and techniques and, for when things start to get a little too hot, trade alibis to ensure you both get away scot-free. You’ve got 99 problems, but a ditch ain’t one.”

This week’s column is online.