“With those words, this fifty-whatever-year-old married woman lunged at me. And I mean lunged, like a teenager on a park bench. I should make one thing absolutely clear: I am in no way proud of what I did in response. I sidestepped out of her way. Literally dived to one side; the poor woman almost hit her nose on the wall. At her age, she could easily have broken a hip.” - Bringing Nothing To The Party (p173)

The Queen visited Google today, at their offices in Victoria. Which is a visit in the same way that me going next door to borrow a cup of tea is a visit. She could have walked it. 

Anway, my favourite story - and the one everyone’s reporting - is that Liz was shown the famous viral video of the laughing baby.

Apparently her response was “lovely little thing isn’t it? Amazing a child would laugh like that.” 

Now. Two things.

First of all, this is why the Queen is brilliant. She may have said “lovely little thing...” but you know what she was thinking was...

“Cunting hell, this - THIS - is what my subjects do with their time. They watch this shit. They told me that the Royal Variety Performance wasn’t getting viewers because people don’t like variety any more. And yet they’re watching this crap. A fucking laughing child. Isn’t that basically all children do - laugh and shit and cry? And yet on the Internet that’s fucking entertainment? And this Youtube is worth how many billion fucking pounds...?” 

But she didn’t say that. She smiled and remarked how amazing it is “that a child would laugh like that.” 

Second of all, why is the press not making more of the fact that the Queen - THE QUEEN - has commented on a Youtube video? That’s epic. Like Prince Charles wearing a hoodie or Prince Edward fingering a girl in an alleyway. Or anywhere.

(Although, in a way, it’s lucky she didn’t actually comment on the site. One slip of the royal mouse over the thumb down link and, legally, the baby would have to be killed.

In other news, to coincide with the royal visit, The Register has published a second extract from The Book, telling the story of how I nearly got thrown out of Google’s Zeitgeist conference when I accused the search giant of trying to kill me. 

Read the extract, if you like, here. There’s even a ‘roasting’ joke thrown in for shits and giggles (and cries). 

Also, read the comments, where some guy takes me to task for - if I’m reading this right - not date-raping a PR girl.