Like most brilliant people, I often come up with brilliant ideas for businesses that I know I’ll never bother to do anything with.

And then, inevitably, a few months later, some other clown has the exact same idea and gets all the credit. And rightly so, I suppose. It was kind of inevitable that someone else would come up with ‘Clitter’ - my brilliant idea for female orgasm microblogging.

But no longer! Starting today, I’m going to blog all of the brilliant ideas I can’t be bothered to implement in a new irregular feature I’m calling ‘Brilliant Ideas For Other People’.

The way it works is simple: all of the ideas are yours for the taking on the condition that you do something with them. I don’t even want any credit if you turn them into the next Facebooks (good luck with that) - just know that when you’re on stage being interviewed by The Lacy, I’ll be sitting smugly at the back, whispering to anyone who’ll listen about how you stole the idea from me.

Let the egotistical pre-demonstration of intellectual provenance begin!

…

Idea Number One: shEbay

So, she finally dumped your sorry ass, huh? Don’t worry - there are plenty more fish on plentyoffish.com and you were too good for her anyway. And she was probably nuts. And cheating on you. With someone rubbish.

But - wait! - what are you going to do with all the crap she’s left in your house? The ‘going out’ shoes, the hair products, the hoodie that actually belonged to her previous ex? That’s where shEbay comes in - the world’s first auction site specifically for offloading crap from exes. Includes a special tool for listing hairclips by the dozen. You’ll be finding those fuckers for months.

Potential pro: Additional advertising revenue from Match.com.
Possible con: The domain is already owned by an accountant called Andrew Shebay.

…

Idea Number Two: UncharityGifts.com.

Looking for the perfect gift for the self-righteous dick in your life?

Want to feel better about your own karmic impotence by investing in anti-social projects around the world?

Then UnCharityGifts is the site for you.

What is UncharityGifts?

UnCharityGifts is a completely for-profit site, allowing you to offset the good done by the self-righteous, orphan hugging sons of bitches amongst your friends.

Perhaps you’ve experienced that most disappointing of disappointments: tearing open a birthday present from someone who you thought was your friend – only to discover that, in lieu of an actual gift, they have chosen to send a goat to an African village in your name - or to provide sanitation to a third-world orphanage.

Or maybe you’ve booked a hugely expensive transatlantic flight, only to be offered the ‘chance’ to pay even more money for the airline to plant a tree to offset your carbon emitions. Either way, we’re sure your reaction will have been the same: “Just. Fuck. Off.”

But finally there’s a way to undo all of this self-righteous faux-generous non-gifting…

UnCharityGifts.com!

The perfect return-gift for your self-righteous friends: for just £2.50 ($5) we’ll send a poacher to an African village to steal a cow – in their name! Or for just £5 ($10) we’ll pay local workers to fill in a much-needed well with concrete or raze an entire classroom to the ground.

As with Charity Gifts, you’ll receive no actual proof that we’ve done any of the above, rather than just pocketing the money to cover admin costs, but who cares? The important thing is that your friend will receive a handsome certificate of authenticity to make them think long and hard about what they’ve done.

Remember: if you steal a man’s fish, you’ll make him hungry for a day – but steal his nets and you’ll keep him hungry for a lifetime.

Or why not treat yourself? Next time you fly long-haul why not offset someone else’s carbon offsetting? For just for just £5 (£2.50 short-haul) we’ll dig up a fully grown tree from a sustainable forest and burn it. You’ll receive a zip-lock back containing its ashes and a certificate confirming how much carbon offsetting you’ve offset.

So what are you waiting for? Do your bit by undoing someone else’s bit now! It’s the gift that keeps on taking!

Potential Pro: I’ve already registered the domain. If you build the site, it’s yours for the asking.
Possible Con: Eternal damnation.

…

Idea Number Three:
Passive Aggressive Goats.com.

This one still needs some work.

…

More brilliant ideas next time!

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